Rethinking Romance
The latest episode of the podcast is now live featuring Amy Key, author of Arrangements in Blue and Poppy Jay
Listen to the latest episode of the Sex Talks podcast here.
On this week’s episode of the podcast I wanted to talk about love, specifically how we move away from our societal obsession with romantic love and instead cultivate a more expansive, inclusive notion of love. One that releases us from the pressure to find “the one” and instead encourages us to find the romance in our platonic relationships.
As I mention at the start of the conversation (recorded live at Soho House), we’re witnessing several big social shifts at the moment, regarding the extent to which relationships, specifically romantic partnerships, remain the organising principles of our society.
According to Pew Research, one in four people will now remain single for their adult lives and the number of people getting married has fallen significantly (in the US have decreased by 60% since the 1970s and 90% of the world's population now live in countries with falling marriage rates). Meanwhile, birthrates are falling globally and have actually halved since 1963.
Yet, despite these changes in the extent to which coupledom, marriage and the traditional family structure are changing, culturally we are still seemingly fixated on romantic love as the pinnacle form of love. For women in particular, there remains so much pressure to find a husband and hence become a wife and a mother, as though our societal worth is pegged solely upon those two things. Being single is depicted therefore as a space of limbo, a holding pen we rest in for a hot minute before the next big next act, meaning the next big relationship, which represents the point at which our life truly begins. This in turn suggests that being single means having some core absence, a void that can only be filled by a romantic partner.
While we didn’t touch on it in too much detail during the conversation, it’s also worth mentioning here that being single still carries with it a pretty hefty financial burden, our policies and tax system being set up to cater to couples and families rather than single people. I’m sure you’e all heard of the so-called ‘single tax’, aka the additional finances single people shoulder by virtue of not having a partner. This ‘tax’ includes, for example, missing out on discounted rail tickets, not having anyone to split rent or bills with, the fact that the discount on council tax for a single occupancy household is 25% rather than 50% (y tho?) and of course the annoying reality that hotel rooms typically cater to two so solo holidays can be spenny.
Evidently, we need a serious policy overhaul to accommodate more single people in our society.
But this wasn’t a depressing conversation about the perils of being single. Quite the opposite. Instead, it was for me a much needed, deeply galvanising discussion about all the ways in which we can find great romance in our lives outside of the prism of marriage and the traditional family structure. It was a reminder to all of us that there is so much to be celebrated in designing your life on your own terms and not waiting for someone to come along in order to create the life you truly want.
I hope you enjoy the episode as much as I did. Do let me know what you think!
Have a glorious end to your week xxx
Listen to the latest episode of the Sex Talks podcast here.
An open-hearted and hopeful conversation. Thanks for organising, E-L. I have just finished Amy’s book and much of it resonated – from how she was “always ready to be moved by something” as a kid, to the fear that you’ve been stuck in time as a single person while others have grown up through their relationships.
And her beautiful encapsulation of awe at Joni’s songwriting. For instance, that plaintive moment in ‘River’ that’s like how she imagines truth would sound. “You are found out by it”. Yes.
Poppy’s anecdote about the multiverse and imagining a more constrained and encumbered version of herself was a wonderful way to appreciate your liberty and agency in the here and now, particularly as someone of South Asian origin, as late as it may have come and with caveats. Plenty of laughs too, like her vowing to really “go for it” in bed. Respect.
There are lots of us out there, not just women, who are becoming more determined not to let this prolonged period of solitude become defined by the absence of something. Instead, why not make it launchpad for new encounters and experiences instead of a “space of limbo” as you described it… It will take courage and effort, as many of them will have to be with new faces rather than overwhelmed friends and family. But the rewards are great.
That said, last weekend I went to Bruges with my best mate, who have known since I was five. Someone with whom I have almost 40 years of shared history. Not ever-present or as eager to evolve as I am (aka a restless soul) but comforting in his loyalty, care and self-assurance. In all this time, we have never taken a trip as a duo. There was a moment in our beds around 2am where we held hands – ahem, I mean we had a prolonged handshake yeah – and said we love each other.
It's not like we're all blokey and never show affection to each other, or show vulnerability, but it felt momentous. After my mother, he is probably the greatest love of my life.
I won’t put romantic love on a pedestal but I will continue to seek it and turn up with as much of myself as I can muster.
PS Spot on about that single-occupant council tax discount. Justice!