You're not running out of time

And your worth is not defined by marriage and babies

Get married, buy a home, have kids.

You have to do these things, and all by 30, right?

Last week at Sex Talks, Anna Whitehouse reminded me that the societal pressure to hit certain milestones by a certain age is a folly.

Marriage, kids, a beautiful home, these things don’t automatically guarantee happiness, nor the the sort of permanence and forever-stability we often equate them to. Thats not to say these things can’t make you happy, just that they aren’t the only routes to happiness.

In her twenties, Anna told me, she got married because she was in love with the idea of marriage rather than the person. She sought validation in being picked by a man, in wearing the white dress, in having babies.

But while she was wedded to the idea that this was her happily-ever-after, the reality of the marriage turned out to be somewhat different. After 17-years together, they realised they could no longer be together.

“The minute the kids were in bed, the minute we had moments together, there was a kind of eerie silence, a disconnect,” she explained. “There was no big bang, no affair, it was just simply that he was not my person and I wasn’t his person.

“It wasn't really what he did. It's what he didn't do. It wasn't what I did, it's what I didn't do. It was death by 1000 cuts.”

Now in her early 40s, following a divorce and some of the hardest years of her life, she’s had to piece herself together again. And she’s in love again. She’s getting married again. But this time around she’s not marrying the concept of marriage, she’s marrying the person.

“My 24-year-old self would never have found my current partner because she didn't really know what she was looking for. Now at forty-two, divorced, with two kids, having been categorically knocked over by the workplace for daring to have children, I have an understanding of who I am.”

Society can make us feel like we have a finite amount of time to achieve certain things and reach certain milestones, and that for women especially, we have a shelf-life, an expiration date. Hence, we’re in a rush. Time is forever running out and our worth is forever defined by us having a partner and having children. If we don’t hurry tf up and get walking down that aisle, we’ll be shunned to the edge of society with all the other wicked witches.

But there is no one linear trajectory we should all be following. There is no one template for living a successful life.

So, a reminder to stop comparing yourself to those around you; a reminder that you can find love at any age; and a reminder that there are many different ways to build a family, if that’s what you want, and many different ways to build a good life.

You can listen to the live recording of the last Sex Talks podcast with Anna Whitehouse here.